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Owner's Manual

by Big Adult

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1.
Talk More 02:01
I'm trying to talk more. I'm trying to think less. I'm trying to find my way out of this mess. I know that it's fine to take some time if time is what you need but there's a fine line between self care and self destruction. I know it's fucked up to get fucked up just so that I can chalk it up to being too fucked up to deal with shit like this when I am like this. Smelling my bullshit don't make it any easier to shovel.
2.
I had a dream about you and me we were ourselves but different. You were braver, more confident, I was raised with less religion. We were still band-mates we were still friends, but making out started making more sense. I woke up and I missed you. I wish I would've kissed you at the Halloween party at your apartment you were a sexy pastry chef. I wanted to tell you I wanted to be the apron against your chest. but instead I drank more beer to cope with the shame. watched you from across the room and put myself away. I put myself away. I look at your life on the internet. Wonder how different mine could've been. I will feel happy that you're happy, and I'll still feel jealous of your boyfriend. Social media is weird. I'll regret all the years I spent wishing I wasn't queer. I want to be the kind of person that goes to a Halloween party at an apartment meets a sexy pastry chef, walks up to him and tells him he wants to be the apron against his chest. and they'll drink more beer but not because of the shame kiss him on the mouth make him glad he came. I'll make glad he came.
3.
Lunch Box 02:49
When I discovered punk it was happening in stadiums. $40 tickets, and only people that could pay for them. Pretty boys with spiky hair were marketed as hellions. Sold to suburban kids, a safe form of rebellion. So I paid sales tax on my anarchy patch and never bothered to trace the profits back to banana republicans I dressed that way to fuck with them but they got the last laugh. Chuck Taylors on our feet and glue in our hair. Hot Topic uniforms were worn like signal flairs. A corporation made the banner that the weird kids gathered 'round then the weird kids taught each other how to burn that banner down. Twice a week the library, a safe place to play chess. Mr. Eckhardt graded papers while the dialogue digressed. We passed around Marx and talked political ideology. Questioned almost everything including my theology. See back then I was Catholic “love the sinner hate the sin” it was my peers not my priest that made me a better man. It was my peers, not my priest, that made me a better man. There's a lunch box full of patches and pins and all the things I used to believe screaming we weren't stupid just naive . And the pop punk bands and protest songs that filled those burnt CD's they came with conversations they came with human beings.
4.
I've always processed things with meter and rhyme schemes. If that doesn't work this time what does that mean? 'cuz I've been stuck singing songs I wrote more than ten years ago the first time my heart broke because I am to raw to write new ones. Been keeping my heart on the couch while my brain talks about my feelings from three levels out as if I am my own psychoanalyst even though something about that feels amiss, I don't know if I could handle this in any other way. Maybe that's ok. I mean the world doesn't need another song about divorce. but maybe I do.
5.
This boy is falling in and out of sleep on the couch. I'm jealous of the girl that I watched him kissing on the mouth. I will scream, I will say, I will whisper "I wish we weren't such good friends" My teeth are fighting with my tongue. My teeth are fighting with my tongue. Smiling at 12, biting at 1. This girl could not give two shits less about me. Contemplating the odds: "what are the chances that this kid's got weed?" I will wait a bit before I admit that I don't. I'll tell her I think she is pretty. I don't.
6.
New Year 03:42
Turned the age my parents were when they made me. Paying off my student loans at a job where I don't need my degree. But happy new year, cuz I am still here, and given the run that I've been having it's something I am proud of. I rang in 2016 on a stranger's front porch holding a pizza, feeling like a disappointment. There's power in saying this out loud. There's power in sticking around. Happy new year I'm still here given the fact that it's a second verse that's something that I'm proud of. I rang in 2017 on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline, feeling like a disappointment. I spent a year just trying to be fine and to understand that it's fine if I don't understand it, and I don't understand it. I loved her she loved me but it;s not that easy. (Chorus) I got some people that I give a shit about and I got some people that give a shit about me.

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released August 17, 2018

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Big Adult Columbus, Ohio

Danny Lemmon, Mike Dawl, and Brent Lawson play bass, drums, and synthesizers together every week. They derive much pleasure from these interactions.

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